Offensive Humor and Racial Jokes: Good Clean American Fun!
MadAsian's One Man Show
MadAsian will be featuring an animated series this fall, so stay tuned! In the meantime, why not enjoy some of our one-liners or the top 10 things asked of Asians? Or check out how to tell if you're Asian and then read instructions on how to become a Twinkie (if you're not one already)!
Send us your politically incorrect Asian jokes! If we laugh or get offended, we'll post your joke along with your first name and location. Email with your submission.
Really Bad Racial Jokes: One-Liners
You must be a glutton for punishment... Well, we warned you.
Q: What happens to an Asian man who runs into a wall and has a full erection?
A: He breaks his nose.
Q: What's yellow and goes "cheep, cheep"?
A: A Chinese prostitute.
Q: What do you call a fat Chinese person?
A: A Chunk.
Q: There's an Asian, a Hispanic, and a Black riding in a car. Who's driving?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you know if you're Asian?
A: When you've got a bucket in your bathroom.
Q: What lives in a pod and is a Kung Fu expert?
A: Bruce Pea.
Q: How do you know when Chinese are moving into your neighborhood?
A: When the Mexicans start getting car insurance.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese girl who won the lottery?
A: She has one fortunate cookie...
Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A: A manila folder.
Q: What do you call a Filipino walking a poodle?
A: A Gourmet.
Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of Japanese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller?
A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians").
Q: What is the title of the newest Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 Ways to Cook Your Dog.
Q: What do you call a Chinese person who's overweight?
A: Wei Wan Tan (weigh one ton).
Q: What do you call a Chinese male prostitute?
A: Gee Goh Low (gigolo).
Q: What's the fastest thing on two legs?
A: A Cambodian with a luncheon voucher.
Top 10 Questions Commonly Asked of Asians by Non-Asians
1. Where are you from?
2. No, where are you really from?
3. Do you know karate?
4. Can you see when you smile?
5. Do you eat dog?
6. What's my name in Korean?
7. What kind of computer should I buy?
8. Where did you learn to speak English so good?
9. Do you know how to use a fork?
10. Do you know Connie Chung?
You Know You're Asian if...
- You live in Asia.
- You look at your friend and see that he has the same haircut as you.
- You tap on the table when someone is pouring you tea.
- People think you're Chinese no matter what part of Asia you are truly from.
- At a restaurant, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
- Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV.
- Your parents will get you into places 50% off by saying you are 12 when you are really 15.
- Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
- Your non-Asian friends ask you how to curse in your language, so they can curse to other Asians.
- Your relatives' houses smell either like mothballs or fish sauce.
- You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and other strange smelling stuff in your medicine cabinet.
- Your parents owns a store or restaurant.
- You've visited this site.
- Your mom has a short hair with a curly perm.
- Your dad is some kind of engineer.
- You ask your parents for help on a math problem and 2 hours later they are still lecturing.
- You shop 99 Ranch Market.
- You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
- You've eaten parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
- You dress like all your Asian friends.
- You get nothing when you do well in school, but you get crapped on when you don't.
- You have about 12 or more Aunts or Uncles.
- You have tile in at least 2 rooms in your house.
- Your family owns only Asian cars (Toyota or Honda).
- You have woven mats in your house.
- Your family takes pictures everywhere they go.
- Your dad has the same haircut he had when he was a child.
- You see lots of Karaoke videos with phony girls in them.
- Nothing matches in your house.
- You have a box of noodles in your house.
- You have a bucket full of rice in your pantry.
- You own some kind of video game machine.
- You either know how to break dance or knows someone who does.
- All your little girl relatives have the same hair style.
- You were taller than your parents once you reached puberty.
- You tell your parents your about a crisis and they always have a story to tell you about the same situation they had been through when they were your age.
- You have a pair of sandals.
- Your parents or grandparents own a garden.
- Your mom wears really red lipstick.
- You only have Asian doctors/dentist.
- You either know how to speak your language or don't.
- You make fun of your parents when they speak English.
- Your parents like to gamble.
How to Become a Twinkie
- Americanize your name. Names like Raja become Roger and names like Wei Tong become Jason.
- Unlearn/do not learn your native language.
- Listen to white people music. Also, any sort of techno remix of a song in your native tongue is off limits.
- Go to parties where you will be known as “That Asian Guy.” No reason to be at a party with more than one of you.
- Shop where white people shop. That means Abercrombie and Fitch, don’t half-ass it and go to Old Navy.
- Talk in catch phrases and famous lines from movies, as long as they’re funny. It's not like anyone cares what you think anyway.
- Learn more about American History than you could ever know about your own. Your cultural history is just that: history.
- Date a white man or woman. Remember you have to act like them to become them. That includes dating.
- Under no circumstances can you watch Anime, Bollywood, or Kung Fu films.
- Do not associate yourself with any FOBs. As far as you know, they’re just weird.
- Never ever be caught saying, “Where the curry at?” or “Dim Sum, I’ll have me sum of that.”
- Never ever visit the home country. As far as you know, it smells. Do you want to come back smelling too?
- Watch a lot of porn. You should acquire a taste for white people and porn helps. Keep telling yourself “There is no BOA” or “Aishwarya Rai does not exist.”
- Exception to the rule: Your parents are going to force you into a career. Probably a stereotypical one for an Asian. Live with it.
- Do not join ethnic frats or clubs. They only promote your culture.
- Bangra, Yoga and Wushu are ethnic foods in your mind. Not dancing and martial arts.
- Never ask your parents the names of the food you’re eating but be the master of ordering take out.
- For the girls: use “like” at least sevens times per sentence, i.e., “Like, let’s go, like, to the, like, movies.”
- Also for the girls: pin up the pictures of the Abercrombie guys everywhere. They are the only acceptable standard for what is hot.
- Another for girls: Highlights, belly button rings and glitter. Everyone else is doing it. No natural beauty is allowed!